Yeah so rsyslog is bae. You can just tell rsyslog 'lol redirect that shit over to this file bb :heart: :heart: <3' and then it'll be like 'uwu yes senpai'. BUT I DIDN'T KNOW THAT BEFORE TODAY. AND NOW I DO.
Madness string 99422
Now, I may be dead and slowly losing my mind, but I'm still a Dark Elf, and therefore the logic here works out perfectly in every way.