I'm not going to pretend I can even remotely imagine what that actually means or feels like. From the outside it's so damn clear that it's in no way your fault. But our psyche has its own way in many things.
Madness string 95987
The pacing here is like a yoyo. A yoyo operated by someone with no idea how to yoyo, where the yoyo winds up hitting them in the groin.