I'm not going to pretend I can even remotely imagine what that actually means or feels like. From the outside it's so damn clear that it's in no way your fault. But our psyche has its own way in many things.
Madness string 95987
Lets get one thing straight here. 'Krxstxl' is not, will not be, and shouldn't be assumed to be pronounced 'Chrystal'. Real life is not algebra class, the letter X is not a place holder for whatever sound they think should be there. Newsflash, that's what letters are for.