I think you've suffered enough. You've given enough. I think you deserve a chance to just... give up. You accepted his choice, that ending the pain was better than the pain. Why can't you give yourself that gift?
Madness string 94328
Programmers work mostly in a discrete world of bits, bounded memory, bounded time, function names that are full words with some hint of the function's job. Mathematicians work in a much 'wilder' world, e.g. where infinite quantities are allowed; they tend to favour shorthand, greek symbols, subscripts, superscripts etc.