Apparently orgasm is the only point where your mind becomes completely empty - you think of nothing for that second. That's why it's so compelling - it's a tiny taste of death. Your mind is void - you have nothing in your head save white light.
Madness string 81293
I think you've suffered enough. You've given enough. I think you deserve a chance to just... give up. You accepted his choice, that ending the pain was better than the pain. Why can't you give yourself that gift?