Whether you can kill to eat depends on the victim's citizenship.
Madness string 44130
You're getting handled in a way that you've never experienced and things are happening to your body that you don't understand. You 'let' it happen because you don't know any better and it's an adult. Surely this is okay? You're told to keep it a secret otherwise you'll be in big trouble. There's clearly something wrong but being a five year old you just bottle it up and never really think about it.