Why do I have a tape measure on my belt? Why, I am conducting an experiment. What sort of people will wonder why I have a tape measure on my belt...
This is more like a cardboard sword with shaving razors embedded into the sides.
Madness string 291
If you've ever tried to besiege a castle in the dark with a drunk guy with comically oversized balls, you'd know that the main issue is that castles are specifically designed to stop this kind of caper.