You need to prep your surface. Sand it so smooth you want to rub your face all over it, and that's how you get a finish that goes down proper and gleams like a mirror to blind everyone who comes upon it after.
Madness string 105929
I got my father-in-law a deck of cards with a different kind of fart on each one for Christmas one year. He spent the rest of Christmas morning looking through the cards and giggling.