This sounds like 'The Call of the Void'. If I remember correctly, it's a real thing and you aren't insane.
Madness string 102526
It's so strange sometimes how we're conditioned to accept things like that, laughing along with people who profess to love us but they're 'just teasing and having fun' at our expense. That's what they say but after awhile, we start to wonder if there's a knife twisting and turning into our heart.