You need to pull your head out of your arse and deal with it. Doesn't matter what it is. Doesn't matter if it's utterly impossible and I could never even imagine what you're going through; this is you and you're the only one who can give yourself the strength to continue. So do. Deal with it, one foot in front of the other, one day at a time, and you'll do fine, I think. You'll be amazing.