I'm not sure "sack of junk" is an officially recognized Monk weapon.
Madness string 112051
I went for a bit more of a direct tact, given how thick they are. If that doesn't work out I think I'm going to get consensus for a monthlong timeout or something so they can go take a php class.
Don't argue with them! It tends to be frustrating, and kind of like trying to explain advanced calculus to a hamster.