I honestly thought this post was a joke until I read the comments. Seriously, go get mental help, get off of reddit and leave us to hate Grandpa Joe in peace.
Madness string 111656
Hey, you might want to try brown noise instead of white noise. It's a little less 'severe'. In fact, I use a video on here that's a smoothed out brown noise. It's crazy how fast I fall asleep now. If that doesn't work, try the other color noises. One of those may be a better fit.